morning improbable

go go go go shit stubbed -ow-fmfrikkintoe- um. Hi, honey.


The Toddles walked in slowly, meditatively. Also? pajamaedly.

Um, kid? It's morning. Time to get going for the day. I point at his pile of day clothes, sitting in the hallowed pile o' day clothes spot. He doesn't blink. Also? doesn't turn around.

Yes. I know. The kid flops down on the bed, his expression still serene, still relaxed. But I stopped the clock. 


I blink. He clarifies, time is standing still now.


Something in my morning routine knife pleats, then crumbles. Side by side, we stare at a line of light, threatening to creep across the ceiling. I could get to like this, I say, sleepily.


We pause, sinking into the stillness and inertia.

Mom! Mom! We have to go in seventeen minutes! the Eldest shrieks, running into the room. I turn my head to look at his brother, who doesn't have the grace to look sheepish.

I forgot to tell you, he says, calmly, I started it up again.

okay, so your cell phone can pop corn. Anything else?

But not so much tumors, says Tara Parker-Pope. Well, maybe gliomas - but they're rare. Um.

Still, your cellphone can make you pop a rash, thanks to the nickel content. (Click here for the article in CMAJ)

Indeed, says my jawline. We knew that.

Roughly 1 in 5 women are allergic to nickel, and a mere 3% men. The allergy has some deeply challenging and distressing effects, such as limiting the use of jewelry to the seriously expensive, low-nickel content stuff. Unless, of course, you have a loving and thoughtful spouse, who is willing to bring you joy and give love - to the budget - by hunting around for nickel-free, gold-free options.

I joke, of course, but you should have heard me swearing at my cell last summer. And itching.

For more on nickel-free cell phones (or mostly nickel-free), try this. And if you are wondering whether you are allergic, talk to your doc. Who might just do what mine did, oh, lo these decades ago, and tape an old nickel to your arm.