producing and reproducing

I am having the oddest month. For a variety of reasons, I have spent a number of weeks wondering if I am pregnant. Now, I don't expect to be pregnant, this is very very bad financial moment to be pregnant, and I am not, in fact, pregnant.

Thus spake the pee-sticks. Twice.

So here I am, having let the glimmer of the idea into my head, the possibility of another small person flickering through. Not being, of course, pregnant. Which makes me curiously sad. Could I be mourning an idea?

I suppose so.

It's hard to be wry and funny about this, especially when the memories of trying and failing to get pregnant with the Eldest seem stubbornly fresh. Or perhaps it's a relative's proud announcement of his family's fertility that is making this not-embryo linger in my thoughts. Three times, he said, each time right away, bam! A baby. It makes me believe in God. I tried not to dislike him for this. Well, dislike him more than I already do.

Some people have easy babies, I think, they come easily, they are cared for (relatively) easily, and the blessing of that is not seen by those families. Ah, well. shrug

The Eldest has been wonderful this weekend, laughing and delighted to have Grandmere visiting. So happy, in fact, that at one point he collapsed quite suddenly into tears, overwhelmed by the valley that followed the emotional peak. He was, to be precise, unable to deal with his water glass not being on the table. Catalyst to a brief storm, he and the glass returned to the table, all smiles. I forget sometimes, the potency of his emotions.

What comes up must come down, eh? Hemophilia, after playing nicely for so long, is also speaking up. The Eldest's veins are collapsing on us a bit right now, bruising and staying bruised for weeks. This happens sometimes when he has a virus, making his veins flat and fragile - unusable, in short. But he has no virus, and complains of pain when we press on the bruised/formerly bruised veins, feeling for their accessibility. And yet his umpteen bruises are healing elsewhere. The factor is working, but his veins are not. Over-use?

I've called in the nurses, who promised to try to use other, smaller veins, or spots tricky for we rookies. But, they warned, we're already using all of the good spots. No promises. Still, we'll have a week off, and the Eldest will get a chance to heal. And, as one of our favorite RNs pointed out this morning, he'll get his clotting factor at school. He loves that. His classmates, fascinated, pull up chairs, ask questions, make him the center of attention. My little diva will explain things, answer questions, and come home glowing. So long as we keep an eye out for errant water glasses, we'll be fine.

And through it all, the Toddles, well, toddles. Arms raised for balance, gap-toothed grin beaming sunshine upon us, he goes on his merry way.

What *would * it be like if you believed in God because he rewarded you with immediate fecundity? With healthy, uncomplicated babies? It seems so hopelessly naive to me, so cock-sure that your happiness is evidence for the divine. Milton is floating through my head here...untried virtue and all that, but this might be just sour grape-ish of me.

Our virtue now respectably tried, on Monday we begin NAET, courtesy of the MIL and FIL. Who knows, it might actually work?? First session: the meridian session. And just in time, I think, if it does work. Both boys have eczema creeping up their skin, and the Eldest's legs are red with scabbing and rescabbing. They are who they are, but oh, if they were better.

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For dinner tonight we had this pasta, based on a recipe from a playdate mum. I have, of course, changed her name to suit my ideas of privacy.

Alison's Quick Tuna Pasta (slightly adapted)
(serves 4-6)
1 pkg pasta
1/4 c. olive oil
2 onions, sliced
6 cloves garlic, smashed and chopped a bit
salt
pepper
zest of one lemon
juice of one lemon
1 tsp curry powder
1 tsp mustard seeds
1/3 c chopped parsley
2 (6 oz) tins tuna (or replace with smoked trout in oil)
1 (4 oz?) tin smoked trout in oil (Trader Joe's has a good, inexpensive one)
optional: capers

Cook pasta. In a pan, saute onion and garlic in the olive oil. Once onions start to brown, add curry powder and mustard seeds, stirring to coat. Saute another 2 minutes, then remove from heat.

Toss pasta with onion/garlic/oil mixture, adding everything else. If keeping until the next day, toss pasta with everything but the parsley and fish.

Taste, adjusting flavors as necessary.
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Something to think about: what does it cost to save a child?
http://www.athenadreaming.org/annika/